Asymptomatic

32 Things I Hate About 32 Things EW Hates

tv

June 24, 2007 owen

In the recent 941/942 double-issue of Entertainment Weekly, they've listed 32 things (page 110) that they hate about Entertainment these days.  They've not gone far enough.  I've revised their list to make more sense.  Observe:

1. EW: "Paris Hilton on CNN"

Me: "Paris Hilton"

You may be able to tell how this is going to go...

2. EW: "The overuse of that damn KT Tunstall song 'Suddenly I see'"

Me: The overuse of any song that might otherwise be a catchy pop tune that one could easily put into their MP3 rotation.  Additionally, the changing of words to "good" (read: recognizable) songs to be used as advertising jingles.  Also, the word "damn" as an adjective.  (Editor dude, it's a verb.)

3. EW: "TV shows that end at 10:02pm.  Our DVRs don't know to wait up."

Me: TV networks that haven't figured out how to cater to DVR users.  Tivo for patenting the process and TV Networks for scaring other DVR makers into not providing the handy time-shifting features that would record those extra two minutes.  (Hey, mine does it.  EW, does your equipment suck?)

Oh yes, there are 32 of these...

4. EW: "That on The Bachelor every single rose ceremony that comes down the pike seems to be dubbed 'the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.'"

Me: Isn't this item cliche?  My friends and I have been using "...and on a very special X" as an expression since the 80s.  Being topical is more than just throwing out buzzwords, it's also about nixing the old cliches.

5. EW: "Peter Parker's emo haircut."

Me: If you want to smack up a comic book movie, let's do it right:  Comic book movies that suck because the director and actors never read the disgustingly impressive volume of work that predated their little wrecking-ball project.  Not to say that Spider-Man is one of these, but, hey...  It is!

6. EW: "Threequels"

Me: Movies that were either not original enough in their own right to depart well from their origin, or not close enough to the source material to do it justice.

7. EW: "The word threequels."

Me: Magazines that make up or publicize made up words and then decry them.  I never even heard this word before this EW.  It's a freakin' trilogy.

8. EW: "Movies shot in Toronto that aren't set in Toronto"

Me: Movies shot in space that have outside sound or otherwise defy the laws of physics.

9. EW: "Hollywood's indiscriminate use of the words artist and genius."

Me: Hard to argue against, but worth noting that "Hollywood commentary" isn't doing much better.  See #7.

10. EW: "People who relish Katie Couric's ratings struggle."

Me: People who care so much about ratings over the actual art of storytelling or quality of the entertainment.  (No, this doesn't have anything to do with Couric, it has to do with ratings.)

11. EW: "Upsizing" sales tactics at the concession stand."

Me:  I'll one-up that:  The giant size "small" with the quarter's difference to upsize.  Where has the freaking "small" gone?

12. EW: "Overdone reality show orchestration."

Me: Reality shows.  I hate to complain about them, but it seems that their all that's on.  We braindead Americans must love our braindead TV, I guess.

13. EW: "When someone is 'playing' a musical instrument on screen and it's obvious not only that they are not playing the instrument but that they haven't even been taught how to fake playing the instrument."

Me: When someone is "acting" in a role, and it's obvious not only that they are not "acting" but that they haven't even been taught how to fake acting.  See also: Keanu Reeves.

14. EW: "Teenage stars who talk about how they've been waiting their entire lives for a moment like this."

Me: You know what?  Maybe they have.  What makes their age any less pertinent than a 30-something saying it?  Does youth necessarily imply that they've been at it for less time?  No.

15. EW: "Ringtones."

Me: Crappy phone technology, held back by fly-eating cell phone producers.  But that belongs on a completely different list.  (Fly -eating:  So miserly that when the waiter brings the soup, instead of complaining that it has a fly in it, they eat the fly, too.)

16. EW: "Stars who insist they hate the paparazzi while courting them by showing up at place like the Ivy."

Me:  Magazines who believe that they little "I hate paparazzi" act is anything but.

17. EW: "The line 'dancing for their lives' on So You Think You Can Dance."

Me: Assuming I watch every crappy show you review to have ever heard that line.

18. EW: "New release DVDs that have zero extras."

Me: New release DVDs that are dissed because of their lack of extras.  Seriously, I've never bought one disc pack because of some "extra feature" it had over another pack that lacked that feature.  My discriminators are first the transfer quality of the original movie, and second, the price.  Anything after that is gravy.

19. EW: "When TV shows are based in cold places, yet no one is sufficiently bundled up."

Me: When unrealistic "ACCESS DENIED" messages are displayed on computer screens instead of using the same OSX/Windows/Linux GUI systems that everyone is familiar with.  Geez, you'd think that sponsorship would be used here.

20. EW: "Music videos where the singer romps around in white sheets on a bed, looking all moony and in love."

Me: Music videos.  Didn't MP3 kill the video star?  It should have already.  Maybe EW just hasn't noticed that music videos have become fairly irrelevant.

21. EW: "The fact that Kate Winslet does not have an Ocsar."

Me: Uh, for what?  Instead, let's lament the lousy Oscar categories, the fact that they're judged by peers (who seem to mainly rely on influences outside of actually watching the film), and that they suck up multiple hours of TV time better spent on, well, anything.

22. EW: "The word 'pitchy'."

Me: Uh, ok.

23. EW: "Athletes who rap."

Me: Rap backbeats and the claptrap they speak on top of it.  Let's face it, rap isn't going away.  Some of it is good.  Some of it sounds good.  And most of it is just meaningless words on top of a slicked-up baseline.  Want to know what's cool about the Beastie Boys' music?  It's got guitars.  Want to know what's cool about Beck?  He's a musician.  Pull any kid off the street and give him a mic and play some bass track behind him (and promote the crap out of him) and he'll be played out of the trunk of every hoopdie.  But please - "talent" is the word.  And since I've listed two white groups, I'll note that Snoop Dog is also talented.  That guy can get the job done, son.  The corollary is, of course, that just because you're a musician, that doesn't mean you should rap.  (See also: Gwen Stefani)

24. EW: "Foreign characters speaking to each other in accented English instead of subtitles."

Me: Stepping it up:  Movie studios that think that people won't go see their movies if there are subtitles.  See also: Pan's Labyrinth

25: EW: "The 2007 MTV Movie Award for the Best Summer Movie We Haven't Seen Yet."

Me: MTV.  MTV belonged to my generation.  Now it should go peacefully.

26. EW: "Waiting around for Guns N' Roses to release Chinese Democracy."

Me: Waiting for Chinese Democracy.  Get some perspective, EW.

27. EW: "Promo spots in which TV cast members walk toward the camera, or spin around, and get wind blown through their hair."

Me: Promo spots for "next week's episode" at the end of the night's episode that never materialize.

28. EW: "People outrunning fireballs."

Me: Every actor and actress looking like they fell out of Cosmo or GQ.

29. EW: "Actors sitting in the audience at awards shows, trying to joke with the host.  We can't hear you&emdash;and neither can the host."

Me: Award shows.  See also: #21

30. EW: "Reality shows about mundane professions: The Ace of Cakes!"

Me: Reality shows.  I'm experiencing deja vu here.  If we have so little good to say about them, why are they on?

31. EW: "Movie trailers in which an explosion cuts of profanity."

Me: Movie trailers that show you the most funny parts and give away the juicy bits.

32. EW: "TV shows without the commercial interruptions."

Me: WHAT??