Labor practices in Santa’s workshop cause a blizzard of controversy
AP- North Pole
Workshops in Santa’s toy factories have become cold storage this winter, and not just because the temperature is 20 below. Illegal labor practices plague the Kringle family operation, forcing world governments to shut down toy production.
“It’s a terrible thing to have to do,” says officer Arthur Bumble, ensconsed in the thick white fur of his INTERPOL uniform. “These elves need fair treatment”
Authorities have take Santa into custody pending investigation of claims of misconduct made by the government’s key informant, known only as Hermey. Upon being reached for comment, Hermey was only to happy to reveal his greivances with the working conditions in Santa’s shop.
“The workshops were horrible,” Hermey complains. “It used to be only days of making toys, but then Walmart came along and Santa’s capos started pushing rotating night shifts. It’s bad enough to be born into a slave class, but this was the final straw. It’s only made worse by the lack of proper healthcare and dental coverage. Most elves have never seen a dentist.”
Conditions No Better In Reindeer Training
With the recent extension of equal opportunity laws into the Northern icelands, Santa has had his work cut out simply meeting quotas.
In prior years, ineligible reindeer were excluded from playing the games required to get them into peak flying condition. These days, no reindeer is turned away - even does are being allowed to try out for key positions on the sleigh team.
Santa is only too quick to respond to allegations of wrongdoing. “When it’s not trouble with the elves, it’s the reindeer. You know I’ve got two reindeer on my 8-deer team that can’t even fly? We drag them along like roadkill, and it’s simply all a result of these foolish equal opportunity laws.”
Soon following this interview Mrs. Claus watched police drag her husband away in handcuffs. “He was always a jolly old soul, but now they’re roasting his chestnuts.”
Authorities Suspect Substance Abuse
Even with the seasoned members of Santa’s sleigh team, there is suspicion of drug and alcohol abuse. While it’s common for airlines to screen their employees for drug use, the world’s largest flying distributor of holiday gifts has turned a blind eye.
An anonymous member of the sleigh team admits to having taken a drink or two between flights. This same reindeer has seen obvious signs that at least one other reindeer has hit the hooch before takeoff. “This one time, he was so drunk his nose was literally red.”
Lead reindeer Ching Gao says he’s tolerant of his co-worker’s habits because they don’t affect their work. “If they can fly when they get up on Christmas Eve, they’re doing more than most Earth-bound reindeer all year.” (Via translator.)
Authorities have been doing their best to assuage fears that Santa will fail to make his deliveries this year. But with Christmas soon approaching, children around the world may have to wait until next Christmas when the remedy of proposed elf and reindeer unions takes effect.
