I’m dismayed at the choices of candy bars in the convenience store.
My first issue at the candy rack: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. What the heck? They’ve come out with all of these different styles of cups now: Chocolate Lover’s, Peanut Butter Lover’s, White Chocolate. Where’s the stinking plain?!
You know that weird peanut butter-colored faux-chocolate goo? I hate that stuff. Not only does it taste less good than the actual peanutbutter stuffing, it makes the cup fall apart. You end up sucking the chocolate off of that foul-tasting brown paper-like wrapper. Yuck!
You’ve got Reese’s Pieces with Peanuts now. Where are the plain? There’s also Reese’s Sticks, which are good, but only seem to be available in the GIANT SIZE variety. How am I going to eat four Reese’s Sticks in 92 degree weather and return to work without being a sloppy chocolate mess, I ask you? How?
Reese’s Fast Break and NutRageous are about the most disgusting tasting things ever made of chocolate. I’ve never been so repulsed by supposed “sweets”. I will eat someone else’s vomit before I eat either of these candy bars. Blah!
I thought I might like to have one of those new Butterfinger Bars, but they’re $1.30! I’m not going to pay over a dollar for a stinking cheapie bar of chocolate. It’s simply not happening. Where’s the plain Butterfinger? Surely it’s cheaper than this outrageous Bar price. Hmm… suspiciously absent.
Swoops. What are these things? Is it a potato chip? No. I think that if it was a chocolate covered potato chip, it might actually taste good. Summer is too hot for thin wafers of stale-tasting chocolate covered in a waxy exoskeleton.
I looked at the Nestle Crunch bar. You know, simple - crispy rice mixed into a bar of chocolate. This one has caramel in it. Uh… that doesn’t sound too crunchy. Where’s the plain? Not here.
What I really wanted was a Take 5. There’s something about the salt in the pretzel that makes these tasty. And it tastes like they put the same peanut buttery filling inside as the absent peanut buter cup has. I wish they made large sized versions that I could spend $8 on. They’re so tasty.
I finally found the plain Peanutbutter Cups. They were hidden behind some Jolly Ranchers. Jolly Ranchers, I’m not sorry to say, are a complete waste of shelf space.
Next time I want candy, I’m going to Acme in pursuit of good prices and candy bars I would actually give to starving children of Africa without fear of hideous chemical warfare retaliation.
