I might have mentioned that Berta’s sister, Therese, is pregnant and expecting her baby any day now. Really, any day now.
Berta was talking to her on the phone recently, and they were discussing all sorts of baby things, as they usually do. But a new topic arose, something that is often left unconsidered until the nurses at the hospital bring it up - What happens to the baby if the parents die?
Well certainly, most parents would rather than someone they know take care of their baby, rather than for the baby to enter the foster care system. In many cases, I would suspect that an extended family member would be able to adopt the baby if the parents didn’t leave explicit instructions.
But the thing is, you’re supposed to have plans. As parents, you’re supposed to know who would care for your child if something happened to you. And the decision might be difficult for you to decide who to ask, sometimes the decision on how to respond is pretty difficult, too.
I don’t want to be one of those people that people talk about and say, “How could he say ‘no’?” It’s the gut reaction. The response that people expect anyone to say when they’re asked to care for a child of a relative in the case of their death is, I would expect, a resounding yes! But the issues seem more complicated than that to me.
I guess there would be some advantage to selecting someone who already had kids; who already had experience and know-how, and had demonstrated an ability to perform the task. You wouldn’t ask your spinster aunt who despises children to care for your orphaned child.
There would also be some advantage to selecting someone who you knew could provide for your child. You wouldn’t ask your destitute uncle to care for your orphaned child when he often can’t even afford to feed himself.
You want stability. You want more certainty. You need a good backup plan with someone who you trust.
Likewise, that person should be confident that they can do it. I don’t know about other parents, but to me parenting seems like it asks the same question daily: “Why do you think you can do this?” I feel the pressure of screwing up my own kids irrevocably by letting them stay up too late, or eat the wrong foods, or climb trees that aren’t meant to be climbed. What keeps me going is knowing that it must be done, that it’s my responsibility to make my kids turn out right and to do my best in that regard. But I have little idea what I’m doing!
When Riley was born, I was still wondering how the heck Abby was going to turn out with such inexperienced people taking care of her. Even with Berta, we were still trying to figure everything out, just like any parent. And with the second kid, it’s even more of a shock, now juggling the demands of not just the two kids, but the interpersonal conflict that exists between them as they get older. That is to say, if we could raise them separately, it would be so much easier than having to constantly tell them to stop beating on each other and taking and destroying each other’s stuff. The difficulty isn’t simply doubled, it’s like 2.5 to 3.0 times.
Sure now, we could also afford another child. Although we’ve been wise enough so far not to do such a thing. We are in the middle of buying a new house that won’t strain our resources, but won’t leave much left for really big things, like whole new family members. And maybe there would be insurance money to help pay for another kid, but would it be enough?
Would I be able to love that kid as my own? Would I make the effort to provide that kid with the same opportunities that I would want for my own children? It’s not like adopting children, when you make the conscious choice to do it. Agreeing means you’re agreeing to do all of that in advance. I’m not saying I wouldn’t, but I worry that I would be a horrible person. If I wouldn’t love that kid as my own, then I surely would never agree to take him in.
On the unthinkable chance that something happened to us, who would take all of our children then? Would another child place even more of these same burdens on the people who we’d want to take our kids?
And truly, I just don’t want another kid. I’m bad. I’m the most selfish person in the world. Where is my humanity?
Is this really another one of the things in life that you just do because you have to? Because it’s the responsible thing to do? Because they’re family? Does that type of obligation factor greatly in this decision? Should rational thought and wants factor in at all?
I’m reminded that this is only “in case”, and that it’s note even likely. But wouldn’t ask you to do it if wasn’t a possibility, would they?
This is a very difficult decision to make. You don’t just ask and expect an immediate “yes”. Anyone who would answer that quickly and thoughtlessly probably isn’t the person you want to ask in the first place.
