These past couple of weeks... I'm not sure where they are. I've been reaching my wit's end regularly through imbibing this caustic brew of ennui and overzealous candle lighting.
/me takes vitamin in an attempt to improve... something.
Some things have become clear over these weeks. I am ruined - I don't work properly. It's me who is responsible for my being broken, improper functioning, or most accurately put, spoilage by lethargy.
Overall, things are no better. No specific project woos me. I find myself sharing attention between mindless hours of TV and pointless electronic games, in spite of the piles of unimplemented ideas, unfinished projects, passing interests, flights of fancy. Drat, not enough points to make the next level. I'm so torn between any of these ideas that no single one settles in as task master, leading to more video games. Video games are not a goal for me, they're a layover between when things take off.
There seems to be no point in feeling good or bad about things that are out of my control. So I've got that going for me - a complete disregard for things that I can't do well to bother myself with. Maybe I'll let some things leave my control so I don't have to think about them. Some call it delegation. Some disinterest. I'll call it "whatever", since I have no power to or interest in naming it.
It's even difficult to get a good head of cynicism rolling. Sleep has become a significant impediment to anything I want to accomplish. Less frequently able to have contiguous thought, I often ramble unconnectively.
You drive the same way to work every day for 4 years, and then you take a different route and it energizes you. And you become so addicted to that energy that you start to find new ways to work every day. And one day someone asks you, "How do you get to work in the morning?" And you have no answer because you don't even really know. But the problem is that it's no longer an effort of energizing, it's everything you can do just to get that fix. You're like a heroine addict, high on driving different routes to work. And you think you've gone every direction, but then you make a wrong turn one day (construction?) and end up going away from work, and it's all new. So you start going farther and farther out until it's just not practical any more. You get up early so you can drive around before you get to the office. And you take longer lunches so that you can meander around in your car. Eventually you eschew eating lunch altogether just so you can get more time in your car. But then you start to get bothered by the radio.
The radio is evil. You hear it every day in the car. Most people hear different enough music on the radio each day that it doesn't bother them. A song repeats once in a day, and you don't notice. It repeast twice, and it's bothersome. But it's not like that for you. You hear a song, and you know what song is coming next and you don't know why. And it does come next. Or a song that sounds so much like it that it doesn't matter. So you change stations. Except they apparently repeat songs more than your original did. So you listen to talk radio, but it's all either conservative republicans hawking Bush or sensible moderates with no great opinion on anything. And you listen to news radio, but it repeats by definition unless something interesting happens, and nothing truly interesting has happened since 9-11.
The only way out is to stop cold turkey, I'm betting. You just park the car. Pack a lunch. Read a book. Different books. Different authors. Get a speed reading course. Read faster. Read more. Order some monthly magazines. Order some weekly magazines. Lament the decomposition of the english language. Read a newspaper. Stumble to the web and run screaming from the senseless angst, meaningless drivel, poignant rhetoric, repitions of the anti-media, anti-government, anti-spam, anti-anti, pro-choice, pro-liberty, pro-p2p, pro-pirate, proletariat, a screaming freak of public exposition, pseduo-expression, free speech that's free because it's a dime for seven dozen and everybody's going out of business charging for it.
Strap a screen to your face and have the words piped directly bewteen your cartoonish, toothpick-opened eyes to your overactive, mushy brain and burn out drinking Coke or Pepsi or whatever, who cares, it's all the same flesh-rotting, rancid brown crank that you can buy on every corner.
